The whole Facebook friends issue that I wrote about earlier is still on my mind.
The thing is that I don't have any friends at this point. I'm being kept by Ms. Julia in this guest house all day long with no one to see or speak to, other than Fatima who comes in to bring me my breakfast and lunch. Certainly, I can consider Ms. Julia to be a friend, but I need someone else to talk to, a third person who I can confide in, open up to, express to, trust and know who loves me back.
Ms. Julia already knows about my loneliness, but she knows what she wants and is emphatic about getting it. I suppose I can't blame someone for sticking to their guns. And considering I'm already getting a lot back in exchange for the dedication I've committed to, it's hard for me to complain.
On this laptop, I can only be a ghost. I can read what others have written but not communicate back. I can leave my thoughts on this blog, but not I'm not allowed to interact with my readers. It's what she wants, complete dedication and no input from others.
But what does that do to a human being over time?
Ms. Julia has friends professionally and socially. She has a domme group she's a part of. She goes on business trips, goes to conventions, has a staff of employees, and numerous people she confides in.
I only have what she gives me.
She reads what I write here, and for the most part, this is my only avenue for speaking to her. Otherwise, I'm only allowed to speak when spoken to.
I wonder what took place in her past that shaped her in the way she is today. Did a man abuse her? Did highschool girls make fun of her? Did a mother steal her childhood?
Because I can understand. I know what it's like to be isolated, neglected, disrespected, and angry. But where I tend to run away from confrontation, Ms. Julia tends to fight. Somewhere in our pasts, our neural pathways took different turns to make me who I am and to make her who she is.
You could say that we're a good fit together in this regards. I'm still dedicated to be what she wants, but struggling to get what I need. Perhaps it's all part of her long term plans for me. I'm just glad that I can at least write.
